Why “Good Job” Is Doing Less Than You Think (And What to Say Instead)
Chandra Eden, The True Me Yogi
How to Raise an Adult
Author: Julie Lythcott-Haims
" Children need encouragement just as much as they need food. Encouragement is the foundation of self-esteem, and it is encouragement that gives children the courage to face challenges, make mistakes, and try again. When children feel a sense of belonging and significance, they are far more willing to cooperate, contribute, and learn from their experiences rather than act out in discouragement.”
Why “Good Job” Is Doing Less Than You Think (And What to Say Instead)
Parents hand out “good job” the way servers hand out napkins. Automatically. Generously. Sometimes without making eye contact. It feels supportive, positive, and polite. And to be fair, it’s not wrong. It’s just… incomplete.
Jane Nelsen reminds us that encouragement is emotional nourishment. Children need it the way they need food. Not as a garnish, but as a building block. The kind that helps them face challenges, survive mistakes, and try again without collapsing dramatically onto the nearest piece of furniture.
The problem with “good job” is that it’s vague. It lands, but it doesn’t teach. A child hears approval, but not information. They know you liked the outcome, but they don’t know why. And over time, praise that focuses only on results quietly trains children to chase approval instead of understanding their own effort.
Encouragement that actually builds self-esteem sounds different. It sounds like, “You worked really hard on that.” Or, “I noticed you didn’t give up when it got tricky.” Or, “You kept trying different ways until it worked.” These statements shine a light on process, persistence, and growth. They help children connect success to something internal and repeatable, rather than to luck or talent or whether an adult happened to be impressed.
This matters because children who feel encouraged don’t just behave better. They cooperate more readily. They contribute more willingly. They recover from mistakes faster. Not because they’re trying to earn praise, but because they feel capable and valued. Encouragement builds courage. Praise alone builds performance anxiety with a nice smile on top.
And let’s be honest, “good job” is also a conversational dead end. It doesn’t invite reflection or curiosity. It closes the loop. Process-based encouragement opens it. It helps children think, “Oh, that is what I did that worked.” That awareness is gold.
So no, you don’t have to ban “good job” from your vocabulary. This isn’t a parenting cleanse. Just consider upgrading it occasionally. Swap outcome praise for effort-based encouragement. Your child won’t just feel good in the moment. They’ll build something far more useful: confidence that comes from knowing why they succeeded and believing they can do it again.
